Last month, I finally got that magical yes. I had sent out a query and my manuscript. The publisher returned with: "We would like to publish this." And my first feeling wasn't canons firing confetti, angels singing, and me eating all the cake.
It was, "Oh no..."
And I had sent the query & my manuscript myself. Imps hadn't queried this publishing company in a fit of late-night mischief. I had. But even when I had sent that query-- and definitely in the months afterward-- I'd had niggling doubts. (and if there's one thing I've learned to do in my time writing, is to listen to my gut.)
It felt like this wasn't the right book. Not the right book to debut with and not the right book to get an agent with-- which when I was finally, truly honest with myself as I stared at that acceptance email-- was what I really wanted.
I had thought I would be okay publishing without an agent. But when it came down to it...I couldn't say yes. I want an agent. And I want that agent to be my partner in business (b/c me and contract language and math: yikes).
I have decided to give my original dream for my writing career one last chance. I'll finish A LOVE TURNED BITTER, which I feel is the best thing I've written yet, and query agents with it. And maybe if I don't get an offer, I'll go ahead and decide to query small publishers again. Or maybe I won't, and I'll try again w/the agent route for my next planned book (a horse racing one, eeee!)
I don't know what frame of mind I'll be in over the next few years (heck, or even the next two seconds, heh), so I can't say for sure what I'll decide is best for me as I continue writing. I just know that at this time and moment, that this offer didn't feel like the right way to go.
And I know that sometimes we don't always get our dreams exactly the way we want them. But I have worked HARD for this, and I owe it to myself to stay on the path I'm on, until it feels like the right time to depart and take a different one.
Because I know when I have it right (whether that be signing w/an agent, publisher-- large, mid, or small--or self publishing) that there will be cannons firing confetti, angels singing, and all the cake I can eat.
Until that time, I'll be here, writing. Or not here, but yanno, on my couch. *technicalities*